Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
