Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
