I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
