I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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