I cannot find my penis.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
