My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
