Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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