she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize