im holly from the hills drunk
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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