I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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