so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
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