I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
