am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
