I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
