i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
