I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
