the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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