So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
