I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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