seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Blood and glitter go together right?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
