We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
