is your mom at the bar?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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