By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The best revenge is premature balding
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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