considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
