Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize