I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
