I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
