Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
