I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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