Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
