I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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