i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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