tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
