i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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