My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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