how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
