I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
