i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
