It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize