it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
