pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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