my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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