My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
