Don't make out with my wife yet
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
