I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
