Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize