What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
