Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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