I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
