and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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