life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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