Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
