I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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