somebody snuck up and got me drunk
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
