i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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