do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
