Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I think your dad took our porno
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
