someone threw a dead crab at me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
